Are Values Important?
TL;DR
Values are passed down from our families
Our kid brains can interpret them in extreme ways
It’s up to us to use our adult brains to make sure we are living in a way that works for us.
You may be thinking, “Fae, you sure do use the word “values” a lot. Why are they so important?” I am so glad you asked. Allow me to share with you my Soap Box about values
Yes, I did make this image just to be funny. But, seriously, this is why our values matter.
Our values not only guide our decisions about how we interact with people but they also help us make decisions about literally everything. Now, if those values stay subconscious or not clearly chosen, we can be pushed in directions that aren’t aligned with who we really are (but may be aligned with who we were told we “should” be). Until we consciously examine our values, we cannot change them, and we will be driven in directions that are unfulfilling. Once our values are identified, it becomes easy to set the goals and actions needed to align ourselves with those priorities. After we have this alignment, even difficult choices can be made with the security of knowing we made the best choice for us and we are living a life we can be proud of. I gave a talk on this subject and my powerpoint is pretty cool, if I do say so myself. Check it out here.
I’ll give you an example of how values show up in our everyday lives. Well, to be more specific, my everyday life.
Family Value - if you are on time, you are late.
Connected implied meanings from a child's perspective - being late is wrong; late people are bad.
It’s dangerous because - The behaviors/results from this value can often be seen as positive and are reinforced in other contexts (school, jobs, etc.).
How this looked in teen/early adult years
Sheer panic/anger/tears when I was late to school/meetings (even with friends).
Being hurt when people were late to things I had arranged.
Because this rule and its implications was so strict in my family, I applied this to my other relationships, which caused ruptures and even ended some relationships.
How I started shifting my values
Gained some insight that the entire world doesn’t see things like I do.
Shifted internal statements from judgement to contextual.
“I did everything in my power to be on time. I do not control traffic/weather/the B line.”
Continued growth steps
Stopped watching the clock when meeting a friend, and just went ahead and ordered my drink.
Had a talk with people who were continuously very late and let them know how it impacted me.
Let new friends know I would likely be early because I have a thing about time 😅 (humor is a great way to share vulnerable information with people).
When I did get my feelings hurt, I reminded myself this is mostly/likely due to my stuff, not whatever just happened. This helps me take in the whole context.
Adjusted value focus to Connection. If I want to connect with someone, sure that means I should respect their time, but it also means I have more room for them to be a little late if they are important to me and especially if we are able to connect well once they arrive.
Once the conflict between community and timliness was made explicit, I had more control over my choices and how I was moving through the world. Turns out, moving towards connection feels a lot more aligned with who I am than moving towards timeliness (although this direction still pulls me - hard). When I am connected to my value of community, I can feel that I made the right choice. The fear/anger I experience when I fall back to my own “if you’re on time, you’re late” ways, reminds me I have strayed from my best self.
We often go through many values adjustments and alignments as we move through life. Values are just the start of it. Once we set our values (and acknowledge where they came from) we must also set our boundaries and adjust our relationships. It’s hard work, but it’s a good life. If you are interested in taking this journey and you need a little assistance, let’s work together. I encourage you to learn more about me here. I am happy to answer any questions you may have before making an appointment. To book your free 30 minute consultation, fill out the form on my Get Started page.
If you want to do it on your own, you can check out my online self-study course. Deepening & Developing Connections. It goes through how to find your values, set your priorities, discover your vulnerabilities, and evaluate your boundaries. It also guides you in how to connect with others deeply and genuinely by showing your true self and asking them about their true self. I also spend a whole lesson on conflict and how to use it to build your relationships rather than tearing them down. The Deepening & Developing Connections Workshop is available any time at ddcworkshop.thinkific.com
Dr. Fae
has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. She lives abroad and offers online therapy & clinical supervision. In her individual therapy practice, she specializes in value alignment, existential questions, decision making, and general coping to increase overall life satisfaction. Her online self-study course Deepening & Developing Connections is always available.
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