Men Deserve Special Treatment (In Therapy): Why “Men’s Issues” is a Specialty Field
Introduction
Do I write therapeutic click bait now? Anyway, you’re either here because you’re hate-reading or because you're curious about what/how/when/whys of men going to therapy. Either way, let’s dive into it because this is important stuff. If you think this article is helpful, send it to a man you love or help me spread the word that everyone deserves good help by sharing it on your social media.
Jump to Question
What is a Men’s Issue?
I honestly can not say it better than this, so let me just put this quote here.
“What makes an issue a “men’s issue” depends on how it was developed. Men’s issues are developed within a context (such as family raised in, time period, culture, or geographical area). Such contexts have the potential to define behavior as something a man would or would not do. These definitions can be limiting and unhelpful. They can restrict the problem solving ability of men in situations that require more flexible and adaptive responses.”
Why Are Men’s Issues Important?
Men are less likely to reach out for mental healthcare, and yet are 3.88 times more likely to suicide than women, with middle-aged white males being the highest risk group.
Men are lucky to have ONE close friend in adulthood compared to women’s average of 2 or 3. Also men’s friendships tend to be “shoulder to shoulder” or revolve around doing something together, versus women’s “face to face” friendships that often involve disclosures and vulnerability from the onset. Many of my male clients have friends, but they aren’t sure how to increase the vulnerability in their friendships to be able to talk about what troubles them (For more on this check out “Buddy System” by Geoffrey Greif).
We all have men in our lives and our collective wellness is dependent on making sure our men and boys have access to help and support. Honestly, why wouldn’t we want good care for ALL of our folx, including men? The American Psychological Association released specific guidelines for ethical therapeutic practice with men.
Hopefully this trend is changing, but many men were socialized to “suck it up” or that “boys don’t cry”.
Talking about feelings is a skill. Most of my male clients cognitively understand a large vocabulary of feeling words, but have trouble using these words in the context of their own emotional landscape.This is because they didn’t have as many opportunities to practice using these words growing up and sometimes they were even punished (socially or literally) for expressing their emotions. Children who are taught to ignore their internal states (or if their needs are neglected) will eventually lose track of what is going on for them in their emotional world and thus will have a hard time recognizing needs/stress as adults until they are overwhelmed and/or erupt (for more on this read “Gifts from a Challenging Childhood from Jan Bergstrom). Even then, the eruption rarely helps to identify or solve the problem; it usually just lets the pressure off for a bit.
To make things more complicated, the most common emotion men are “allowed” to have is anger. It is the emotion we see most often modeled by men on TV and maybe even in our own families. For some this can result in relationship issues throughout life. However, for many, this default response of anger doesn’t become problematic until men are in their 30s-40s and really tired of holding these feelings of anger and/or are struggling to continue to repair their relationships. Anger is actually a secondary emotion, which means it is covering up another emotion, which is why the question, “what are you so angry about?” doesn’t actually provide any answers or relief. We need to be asking, “what is under that anger?”.
We don’t HAVE to talk about feelings all the time in therapy, but they are helpful in being able to understand our past and what is going on for us in our day to day lives. The more you understand what is going on in your head, the more in control of it you can be.
Do Men Have Different Struggles In Therapy Than Women Or Nonbinary Folx?
YES! And some of the problem lies with therapists. OOOoooohhh, bet you didn’t see that one coming.
You don’t need a therapist that is just like you or even one that has been through what you have been through (I mean, would you expect your oncologist to have had cancer?), but everyone deserves a therapist that has training and understanding of their general struggles. Some therapists focus on emotions too much, too fast. This can leave some men feeling like therapy doesn’t work for them or that the therapist doesn’t understand them or worse, is trying to dig up their pain before they are ready.
If the therapist doesn’t have training in men’s issues, they may end up treating the symptom “anger”, “communication issues”, or “stress” rather than the root problem (i.e. unhealthy narratives about how/when to express emotion/needs or even just not being able to understand exactly what feelings are coming up). This will likely lead to symptoms returning, which may make men feel like “well…that didn’t work” or “maybe I’m the problem and I can’t be fixed”.
Men, women, and nonbinary folx experience the world differently because of their presentation and socialization. It’s not just disadvantaged identities that need to be respected in therapy. Just like true feminism is about equality of the genders, true intersectionality is about taking into account the impact of each of our identities on our lives - regardless if that identity is one of power or one of marginalization. Society mistreats us all differently, so we all need different types of healing.
One of the biggest hurdles for men seeking therapy is that many men have a little voice whispering things from the dark corners of their minds like, “Don’t be such a cry baby. Pull yourself together. Your team/family are depending on you”. This is a leftover unhelpful narrative from society that sometimes feels true because it’s always been there. Because it feels true that you MUST be strong, it is really hard to ask for help, especially from a stranger (in this case, a therapist). In actuality, asking for help only makes you stronger and better able to care for yourself and those around you. BONUS - if you are in the US Foreign Service, it won’t impact your security/medical clearance.
As mentioned above, many men are taught to ignore their feelings for so long they can be hard to identify. This means even if a man is feeling “stuck” or is struggling at work or at home, he may 1) not seek therapy because if it's not clear what is wrong, or 2) minimize his struggles and think their problem isn’t “bad enough” for therapy. Pro Tip - You don’t have to KNOW if therapy is right for you, you can just ask for a consultation and see what you think after gathering a little bit more information.
How Can Therapy Benefit Men?
“What can a shrink do for you? Plenty—if peace of mind, happiness, and health are important to you” - David McGlynn
This is the part that is the same for everyone. I define therapy in a much longer way in this article, but in this space I will just say therapy can help you:
Get unstuck
Learn more about yourself
Shed expectations/guilt/shame that really don’t serve you or help you be a better human
Get in touch with your needs & emotions (I promise you this does NOT mean you will be crying all the time)
Find and change unhelpful patterns/cycles that may have been handed down to you by your family or society
(Re)discover and align yourself with your values, which is helpful during tough decision points
Be kinder to yourself and others
Be more present and enjoy your life
Have healthier, more mutually supportive relationships at home and at work
Decrease feelings of anxiety, depression, burnout, stress, etc.
How Do I Find A Therapist Who Specializes In Men’s Issues?
TADA! You already did! If you are a US Foreign Service Member abroad, or an expat living in select countries, you can reach out to me using the form on my Get Started page. You can also learn more about me HERE if you’d like to do that first.I provide free 30 minute consultations and my services are eligible for reimbursement from most major insurance programs.
If I’m not the one for you, no worries! There are plenty of us out there.
I know getting started with therapy is hard and really intimidating. I recommend everyone check out this guide for more about what to expect from therapy, how to interview your therapist. It does include how to find a therapist, but it is American focused. Check out my resource page for specific directories for different identities (race, ability, sexuality, etc.)
If you are not American or not in the USA, the information in the above guide is still helpful for expectations and interviewing, but you can also try the following directories for potential therapists. Most of them have an option (either via search or check box) to search for someone who specializes in men’s issues.
Directories
International Therapist Directory
Location Independent Therapists
Groups of therapists who are familiar with expat/international concerns
Some extra brass tacks:
Try to have a consult/interview at least three therapists before you give up. If you love the first or second one, GREAT! Stop there.
Ask the therapist HOW they work with men’s issues (or anything else you are experiencing). If they don’t have a good answer, they probably aren’t the one.
Check in with yourself and see if YOU feel comfortable with them.
If you feel skeptical about all of your options, that’s okay. Maybe try 2-3 sessions with the person you like the best and see if anything shifts for you. You are allowed to stop therapy whenever you want.
BONUS RESOURCES
Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male Is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do about It by Richard V. Reeves - A brand new book about men and their specific struggles.
If you want to try and figure out a few things on your own, you can check out my online self-study course. Deepening & Developing Connections. It goes through how to find your values, set your priorities, discover your vulnerabilities, and evaluate your boundaries. It also guides you in how to connect with others deeply and genuinely by showing your true self and asking them about their true self. I also spend a whole lesson on conflict and how to use it to build your relationships rather than tearing them down. The Deepening & Developing Connections Workshop is available any time at www.ddcworkshop.thinkific.com
Dr. Fae
has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. She lives abroad and offers online therapy & clinical supervision. In her individual therapy practice, she specializes in value alignment, existential questions, decision making, and general coping to increase overall life satisfaction. Her online self-study course Deepening & Developing Connections is always available.
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You can learn more about her in all these places.
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*The content on online-therapy.net is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical/therapy advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical/mental condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.