Ask Me Anything with Dr. Fae (Video)

 

Ask Me Anything



In November 2022 I recorded this Ask Me Anything with my friend Linh of Hidden Saigon. I answered anonymous questions from the Foreign Service community as well as some general questions that I get often as a therapist who serves FS folks abroad. You can find each of the questions and the detailed answer below and in the video. I’ve included timestamps to help you skip to what feels important for you. If you have more questions, please reach out!

  • 3:05 What is therapy and how does it work?

  • 6:00 I'm curious about therapy, but I'm not sure how it can help me.

  • 8:40 I don't want to be in therapy forever. How long will this take?

  • 11:00 Talk to your therapist about what you want/need

  • 13:40 How does it work if I reach out (to Fae)?

  • 16:20 If I’m seeing a therapist in the U.S., how do I keep seeing them when I move abroad?

  • 19:30 Will therapy impact my security/medical clearance?

  • 23:15 I've just been more frustrated with my partner/at work/with my kids and I don't know why. What's up with that?

  • 25:40 I'm an EFM and I feel really stuck/unhappy. I’m not really sure who I am anymore.

  • 29:30 How can FS folks adjust to new Posts and find community/comfort/home?

  • 37:10 I'm thinking about leaving Foreign Service

  • 41:30 I don't really want to talk about the past, just my current stresses. ALTERNATIVELY - I've got something in my past that I've never spoken about, is it important to address it?

  • 46:00 Closing Comments

 

 

The Questions



3:05 What is therapy and how does it work?

  • Therapy is more than managing traumas & someone saying “How does that make you feel?”

  • It is ideally a long term preventative relationship, where you break the cycle of tolerating things until they pass or get too big to handle

  • It’s a unique relationship where the focus is on you and your goals. I help provide a slightly different perspective to help point out patterns, social narratives that may be holding you back from your ideal self

  • Here’s a guide for how to interview a therapist & what to expect




6:00 I'm curious about therapy, but I'm not sure how it can help me.

  • There a difference between being “okay” and “tolerating” and true health and thriving

  • If you have concerns, check in with a therapist and see if what they can offer feels helpful. It’s okay to be skeptical/curious.

  • Some of my clients have a good understanding of what past patterns are causing their current distress, but for many they are experiencing consistent, persistent, and very uncomfortable things like anxiety, poor sleep, exhaustion, constant stress/irritation, or low mood and they don't really understand why. For these folks, it isn't often what's happening in the moment but what the moment REMINDS them of, and that can be hard to find on your own.




8:40 I don't want to be in therapy forever. How long will this take?

  • FS folks might need a little extra help when compared to the average person in the US because they are separated from their usual community supports - and that’s okay.

  • Ideally therapy is preventative, you come in when stressors are small and then when it is resolved, back out into the real world you go to practice your skills. Ideally one can maintain a long-term relationship with their therapist and can come back when needed.

  • In general most of my clients experience huge relief within 2 months of starting treatment, a high level of insight by 6 months and start to just come in for maintenance sessions as needed. Other folks like the support. Hey, it's covered by your insurance, why not take advantage of the extra help if it helps.




11:00 Talk to your therapist about what you want/need

  • It’s okay to tell your therapist what you want/don’t want in therapy - for example Linh hates homework but Fae is a big fan

  • Most therapists have a lot of different tools/methods and they can/will tailor them to meet your needs. That happens faster the more you give feedback

  • If a therapist doesn’t respond to your feedback, maybe it’s time to find a new therapist.

 

 

 

13:40 How does it work if I reach out (to Fae)?

  • Specifically, my clients start by reaching out to me on the form here (also at the bottom of this page). I send them some a screener form and they schedule a free consult. Then we meet to determine fit - Do I understand you and what you need?

  • From there I will co-create your “treatment plan” with you, which will be our roadmap for where we are going and how we will get there.

  • If you’re using insurance, we will talk about diagnosis and what that means for you.

  • We will address any major problems first so that your life gets more manageable before talking about longer patterns or past traumas.

 

 

 

16:20 If I’m seeing a therapist in the U.S., how do I keep seeing them when I move abroad?

  • It’s on the therapist to see if that’s possible. They need to reach out to:

    • Their regulatory board to ask if it’s okay to see clients abroad/ in country X

      • If the state board says no, the therapist should not continue

    • The regulatory board in Country X to see if they have any issues with the therapist “continuing care” for a “US citizen” on “temporary assignment as diplomatic official”. Sometimes if you explain the circumstances, they will allow it.

    • Their liability insurance to ask if they will still cover the therapist in this case. 

      • If the answer is no, the therapist then has to decide if they are willing to take on this risk.

  • There is a lot of gray area, especially in foreign service, where sometimes you are living on “federal” land or “US soil”. It is up to the therapist/client to decide how gray they are willing to get.

  • Some options might be finding a provider locally or someone abroad with fewer restrictions.

  • A resource for therapists might be the Facebook group: Location Independent Therapists.

 

 

 

19:30 Will therapy impact my security/medical clearance?




23:15 I've just been more frustrated with my partner/at work/with my kids and I don't know why. What's up with that?

  • Usually a signal that some burnout or vicarious trauma is happening. Maybe they experienced a significant stressor (or a lot of everyday stressors) and they are still “functioning” but something deeper down is impacting that functioning - lower energy, increased frustration.

  • This can turn chronic and the longer it goes unaddressed, the worse it gets.

  • Most clients don't change much of what they're doing, they just understand/remember HOW and WHY they do those things and get closer to their true selves



 

25:40 I'm an EFM and I feel really stuck/unhappy. I’m not really sure who I am anymore. 

  • For sure, nothing will give you an existential crisis faster than being an EFM. Another critical piece I often hear is "I'm struggling at Post and I don't think this life is for me". Which usually means the EFM has encountered a clique-ish post and is having a hard time making friends.

  • Both of these issues are SUPER common and actually quite logical/likely when you consider what it means to be an EFM - usually giving up your career (or at least greatly shifting it/reducing your ability to achieve or earn what you could have). In the US we greatly identify with our work and often feel our worth is tied up in our productivity.

  • Get acquainted with self, clarify values, reconnect with partner and set new boundaries/responsibilities as needed




29:30 How can FS folks adjust to new Posts and find community/comfort/home?

  • For kids - they are very resilient and also sensitive. It’s important for parents to model for children how to make and maintain close ties. If you don’t keep the ties alive, neither will your children as they move.

  • Don’t get stuck in the embassy/consulate community. Relationships are the most important parts of our lives.

    • It’s important to dig deeper and make sure your new connections don’t stay superficial

    • This is especially true for men who may not feel as comfortable “opening up” to new friends.

    • Research says the world is lonely. We were lonely before COVID and even more so now. Reach out and I can almost guarantee people will reciprocate.

  • Don’t let your partner become your everything (best friend, hobby buddy, confidant, work out partner, etc.) That is a lot of weight on the relationship.

  • For a quick online course on the major components of connections, check out my workshop: Deepening & Developing Connections. It was built for expats and I used to run it in person, where every workshop was full and got great feedback.




37:10 I'm thinking about leaving Foreign Service.

  • I actually get this one ALL the time. I think leaving the service starts to feel like the only option when people have been living with high stress levels for years and years while working a job where they don’t often get to see results. 

  • Usually one of the first conversations I have is to open up what collection of events is making the person feel this way now, and then we talk about why they joined FS in the first place and if they still have the same values and goals. Once we have that under control, the big pieces start to become clearer - is FS still meeting their needs? Is the person aligned with what is important in their lives and work or can they get there from here?

  • Often people choose to stay, but they stay differently. In these cases, some small behavioral changes to help people align themselves with their values (more family quality time, releasing the weight of not important office drama) goes a long way.




41:30 I don't really want to talk about the past, just my current stresses. 

  • Actually, this is how I usually work. I use what we call "Short Term Solution Focused Techniques" to help you get relief to your current stressors. If I can see some patterns that might be influencing your current situation, I will point them out but if you don't want to go there, I'll never make you do that. If you decide you want to talk more about it later, I'm here for it. 

  • It's totally okay to set boundaries or just not work with any therapist that tries to start therapy by asking about all the worst parts of your life. You really shouldn't open up that box until you are sure you can trust your therapist, which doesn't always happen in the first session.

ALTERNATIVELY - “I've got something in my past that I've never spoken about, is it important to address it?”

  • Maybe. My guess is if you still think about it, probably. This process is usually less dramatic than people think. 

  • When your system is ready to process something, you will know. 



 

46:00 Closing Comments

  • Therapy doesn’t need to last forever. It can be a part of your regular self-care and it’s also okay to come in and out when you have something specific you want to work through.

  • Engage in therapy while it’s helpful, then get back out there and practice your skills, and come back when needed.

  • Help is out there. You may need to interview a few therapists.

  • The more you can share about your wants and needs with a therapist, the more it will help you.

  • A therapist is one more person in your network who has your back in this crazy world.

  • You can read more about my style, HERE. I have a free resource list HERE.

  • Feel free to reach out to me anytime with any therapy questions. Even if I am not the therapist for you, I will answer as honestly as I can.

  • If you are a member of Post leadership and you want to ask a question about Post culture and how psychology may be helpful - also reach out. I have been a contractor in Ho Chi Minh City and ran an excellent wellness initiative to reduce burnout and increase life satisfaction overall and I’d love to see if I could be helpful to your Post too. You can see all of my professional talks on my CV. 

Got Questions? Contact Dr. Fae using the form below.



Dr. Fae

has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. She lives abroad and offers online therapy & clinical supervision. In her individual therapy practice, she specializes in value alignment, existential questions, decision making, and general coping to increase overall life satisfaction. Her online self-study course Deepening & Developing Connections is always available.

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You can learn more about her in all these places.

drfae.com | facebook | instagram | linkedin


*The content on online-therapy.net is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical/therapy advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical/mental condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.


 
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